Beginning this blog life has been staring me in the eyes for some time now, but every time I felt the sudden spark of insanity to try and somewhat express myself through a collection of jumbled words, that spark would quickly fizzle out. My mind would race so quickly that my typing fingers could not keep up. So I would close the screen of my old laptop, and chalk the night up as one spent in silence, or with Amos Lee or Jimmy Buffett as company, and let my mind race to wherever it pleased. In most instances, my mind goes, quickly at that, and there is no rhyme or reason as to where it travels. But it is those thoughts that stick around a while, that haunt you day in and day out, and become more like themes in my day to day life rather than random thought trains in the middle of the night. Those are what need written about, if not for simply my own mental relief. So here goes nothing...jumping in to see where this leads.
My most recent mental struggle concerns itself with the future. Am I doing the right thing with my life? Am I in the right place to kick off that dream? Am I living a life that I would be proud of, and quite frankly, enjoy living? Am I taking chances on gut feelings, on people, on places, on experiences, without knowing how they will turn out? Am I happy and am I taking time out of every day to do something that makes me happy? When am I going to buckle down and lose that ten pounds I've been swearing at for the last year or so? Am I being the best son, brother, grandson, friend, nephew, supervisor, colleague, student, encourager, and passionate person that I can be...and if not, what am I going to do about it? Why am I easily agitated by things that never used to bother me, or let things negatively affect me, that never have in the past? When will romance stroll through my life again, and when will I feel that fire, that desire, and passion for someone deeper than I ever imagined I could feel? When will I learn to let go, to move on, and convince myself that I meant for better things, people, and experiences. When will I stop adding things to my to-do list without crossing something off? The uncomfortable answer to all of this is simple; I don't know. And I don't think we are meant to know all at once. Maybe when I'm sitting on my front porch (hopefully overlooking some body of water), 90 years old, hand in hand someone who long ago promised to love me forever, will I have it all figured out. But until then here is to living. Here is feeling every emotion there is to experience, and feeling it with a heart wide open. Here is to making mistakes, and celebrating those just as much as triumphs. Here is trusting that everything will work out, whether I believe that now or not. Here is to convincing myself that this is the only way to make it to that front porch in a little over 67 years. Here is to working hard and fighting for what I believe in, what I want to be (or think I want to be), and allowing myself to stumble along the way, as well as be vulnerable. Here is to loving, living, and embracing who I've been, where I'm at, and what I'm about to become. Here is to knowing I will lose sight of this goal from time to time, but also knowing the good, genuine people around me will help me find that path when I drift away from it. Here is to being good and genuine.
I am not about to convince myself in one blog post that I have just figured it all out. In fact, I am no where near figuring out. But I am able to assure myself that things happen for a reason...and that is something to believe in. I can assure myself that I am well equipped to embrace this life with a smile and an optimistic outlook, and celebrating is sometimes the best thing to do. It won't always be easy, but it will often be fun, and at the end of the day, it will be worth it. Here is to living this life as passionately, recklessly, and adventurously as possible, and one day at a time. Here is to a life of love and happiness, in whatever form its gets presented.
Here is to taking a step back, breathing, and jumping right back in...and no more blog posts this long! :)
